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• September, 2009. The Power of No • March, 2009. Leadership: The Sky is Falling • December, 2008. Introduction: Commitments • December, 2008. Internal or External Coaching? • December, 2008. A Time To Commit • December, 2008. Rumi Wisdom. Family and Friends First • Ruminations: Self Care in Troubled Times • November, 2008. Why Get A Coach • November, 2008. Connection - My Guiding Value • November, 2008. Introduction to InVisioner
September, 2009. The Power of No "No." Simple. Clear. Direct. Effective. At times, it can be hard to hear and even harder to say. We set up cultures where saying "no" is not welcomed, but this makes saying "yes" meaningless. When we are told "no", we can feel offended, rejected and discouraged. And, we anticipate others will feel the same way. When we do offer a "no," we often beat around the bush or offer lengthy explanations. "No" helps us to set boundaries, get back on course, or finally let go. It communicates where we stand and what is acceptable.
Set Healthy Limits How many times have you been sitting with a client, found yourself listening attentively, nodding with encouragement and wound up agreeing to additional work you won't or can't deliver? In this economic climate it is especially difficult to turn work away or set limits with a customer. Don't make the mistake of saying yes, too quickly. Take time out to reflect. It may take more time, money, talent or ideas than currently available. If you can't deliver, you loose credibility. Enter into a negotiative stance and be willing to walk away if the additional work is not in your best interest. Not being able to say "no" to a client can also have cascading effects on your organization. As you know, taking on unproductive or unprofitable work often results in greater burdens on your team and a loss of their respect and productivity.
Making an Excuse Does Not Help Sometimes we say "no" and feel a need to justify ourselves. We tag on an excuse to ease the blow. "Kelly, your new program is great for our department, and I know you want other departments to use it, but it's just not the right time." If Kelly is the go-getter that you know she is, she'll keep the conversation alive because you left the door open. Excuses or rationalizations can prolong the inevitable, can be confusing and send the wrong message. When you know "no" is the answer, be clear and skip the explanations. Otherwise, you waste time and energy in needless conversations which may leave everyone feeling frustrated and diminished.
Saying "No" in a "Yes" Culture It can be a shock to hear "no" from your boss, peers or team members. You are a good leader and have built a synergistic team in a positive atmosphere. You have a great new idea and want to share it. As a leader you might expect everyone to be your cheerleader. You certainly want to hear, "yes, yes, yes!" But, if a solid new idea is to be successfully received, give it a short test drive. Sound out the key players, enlist their buy in, and incorporate useful feedback. Securely engage others before your big reveal or you might not get out of the starting blocks.
Own your Part Saying "yes" too quickly can be a sign of a lack of awareness and thoughtfulness. Saying "yes," when you want or need to say "no" is a form of dishonesty or may highlight your inability to let go. Offering excuses to try to be the "good guy" is disingenuous. Always expecting to hear a "yes" to your own ideas is not realistic and may leave you feeling disgruntled.
Take a good look at your behavior in these areas. 1) Notice what you are feeling. When you feel a twinge of guilt, or feel a familiar resentment begin to build because you couldn't set a limit. 2) Stop and reflect take a few moments of solitude and find your truth. This may take time, patience and a dash of humility, but it's worth it. 3) Think it through. When you find it, put words to it, say it out loud to yourself or to a trusted colleague. 4) Honesty breeds trust. Practice saying what is true for you even though others may not be comfortable with it. As you develop mastery in this area, you will learn how to speak with clarity and confidence.
Knowing when to say no and how to say it is essential in maintaining successful relationships with both clients and your team. You may also enjoy similar benefits in your personal relationships, and that is beneficial for everyone.
March, 2009. Leadership: The Sky is Falling Successful leadership is a challenge in the best of times. It seems the news cycle is stuck in a repetitive loop of reporting economic disaster. A dash of anxiety can be motivating, but we are being fed heaping helpings of fear, resulting in immobilization and inner stress. Now we have to ask, how do we best lead in the worst of times? Few of us have been challenged with wide spread survival scenarios in business. As business sectors shrink, along with our workforce, how do we galvanize employees and keep them focused and engaged in creative and productive mission oriented solutions? Start where you are. It's time to get real. No matter what business you are in or what challenges you face, the simple fact is, it's best to understand the situation and accept what is - right now. You may question your ability to stay clearly on course and be able to move through this period with fluidity, stability and a feeling of trust. To extend your strengths to others, you must be yourself: honest, and open to listening to concerns and ideas. Being honest these days means owning up to not knowing the answer to every question. It's better to share your own uncertainty than to put on a false front of bravado. Your honesty and integrity show up in your fierce adherence to what you believe in your principles, your people and your ability to adapt to changing circumstances. No matter what you say, remember your presence is what communicates the loudest, not your words. As a leader, you are called to stay steady in the eye of the storm. Open up to possibility. Stick together. A good place to start is with what is working and allow that to be your jumping-off place for creativity. Make it a practice to share this with every member of your team. Resist closing down, and keeping secrets. Encourage fresh thinking to find innovative solutions and possibilities. You may uncover problem areas in the process, but now is the time to put everything on the table. Use this challenging time to discover what can be done together. In times of stress, we are more prone to err. To "err is human, to forgive divine" wrote Alexander Pope in An essay on Criticism. Let the simple mistakes go easily. Use the bigger ones as teachable moments. We all need to be accountable, but no one benefits from blame or ridicule. Get personal. Show compassion, generosity and forgiveness. Stay present, know your people and connect with them everyday. Find out what's going on in peoples' lives. Brain scans now prove people are endlessly scanning their environment for connection - they can tell viscerally if they are being listened to. Show your compassion by actively listening. Expressions of personal caring mean the world to people and will go a long way in building trust and maintaining loyalty. Don't be reluctant to approach a struggling employee and ask what's going on in their life. If there's a personal issue blocking their ability to show up 100%, give them the time, support or resources needed to bring them back to their full potential. Your generosity will be repaid multifold. Focus on the intangibles (what is motivating, engaging, trust-building) and you will get tangible results. News Flash Take time out. Be with your family and friends just to unwind and talk. It will help you relax and maintain your creative edge. Of course time management is a perennial problem. Stay clear about your priorities. Get your wants and needs met. And you know if it's not on your calendar, it's not happening. Remember to always find ways to give back; consciously be of service to others. It will enrich your sense of self and strengthen your connection within your community. If you find you need additional support - get it. You deserve it. That's what a good coach is for. December, 2008. Introduction: Commitments The world seems to be changing before our very eyes. The falling stock market, layoffs, economic instability and for some, looming debt and potential foreclosure. We have all been affected in one way or another. During any time of challenge and uncertainty, we can make it an opportunity to take stock. Do we need to make some changes? Do we need to identify and recommit to what has worked well? Commitments come in many forms. It is often easier to make a commitment than keep a commitment. To join a gym, buy a new computer program, or take a new position is not the same as exercising regularly, applying the new learning and always being on the lookout for continuous improvements for your workplace. Commitment is not just an act but is rather a process, and often a lengthy one. My work is more than helping you connect with your purpose, it's also about determining what you are committed to and helping you sustain your commitments. Why is it important to follow through on your commitments? Making good on your promises builds self-esteem and self-trust. This action alone literally helps you stand taller and walk straighter. You can help yourself by keeping an inventory of your promises. If you are truly having difficulty meeting your obligations, it may be because you need to adjust your priorities or it may be time to re-negotiate the terms of your commitments. The holidays are upon us. So be clear about what fulfills you at this time of year. Be proactive, craft your holiday activities to reflect your priorities. Do what you love. Be with people you cherish. Make time for meaningful rituals. Nourish your body, mind and soul. And don't neglect your own needs for rest and renewal. As this year comes to a close and you reflect on New Year's resolutions, remember the power of making a sincere commitment. Internal or External Coaching? Is confidentiality important to you? Internal coaching is defined as a one-on-one developmental intervention supported by the organization and provided by a colleague of those coached who is trusted to shape and deliver a program yielding individual professional growth. An external coach is a consultant brought into an organization to work with individuals and/or teams. "Battley (2007) suggests that the higher an employee rises in the organization, the more difficult it becomes for him or her to receive "unfiltered" information about performance. Therefore, an outsider might be the best choice to address sensitive performance or personality issues. Additionally, when an employee is frustrated and considering jumping ship, an external coach can view the situation from a more objective perspective and handle sensitive information with a greater assurance of confidentiality." "In one study, for example, 59% of leaders indicated a preference for an external coach, while only 12% preferred an internal coach, 29% had no preference. (Underhill et al.. 2007). Leaders may consider internal coaches to be less confidential. External coaches, on the other hand, can bring greater objectivity, fresher perspectives, higher levels of confidentiality, and experience in many different organizations, industries, and business environments. External coaches may also have more specialized skills or expertise in specific fields of practice (Underhill et al., 2007)." If confidentiality is important to you, consider an external coach. I have worked with many corporate executives to navigate and resolve sensitive personnel issues. As an external coach, I can provide a greater sense of confidentiality and objectivity to your corporate situation. If you need an independent sounding board or an outside perspective, give me a call. From : Coaching: A Global Study of Successful Practices December, 2008. A Time to Commit Step Up! At this moment it's impossible not to be aware of a common desire bubbling up for new things to happen, new paths to open and a new vision to unfold. We seem poised on the brink of possibility and yet uncertain about the future. Everyone is looking for leadership, but my message to you is - step up! - each of us is called to be a leader in our own life and to commit to our own vision for the future. I've learned that we, as human beings, desire the feeling of commitment and are more fulfilled when we find it. We are seldom committed to just one thing in life, but we easily recognize when heart and mind are aligned and we are drawn towards a course of action or a cause that speaks to who we truly are. We feel complete. This feeling of completion and satisfaction is just as important in organizational life as in our personal lives. This is why I have been committed for almost two decades to guiding my clients in articulating and awakening their deepest nature. I have repeatedly witnessed their greater sense of self as a result of living from their authenticity. They gain confidence when their daily contributions show tangible results. And, I see them fully engage to further their vision in concert with the organization they are serving. Even though the results may be very positive; the feelings associated with initially making the commitment are complex. We often feel both exhilaration and fear. We can experience both clarity and even feel overwhelmed. We may wonder, "What will be asked of me? Can I really do this?" "Will this be too much for me to handle?" and/or "Am I prepared to take this on?" The leader's job is to find a place of poise where calmness can counter- balance the inevitable anxiety that walks hand-in-hand with going full-out. No actor can give a good performance without adrenaline pumping, but no one wants to be paralyzed by stage-fright. My message to you is that without commitment, without that spurt of adrenaline, without the sense of completeness that true commitment brings - without that - magic is also missing from life. The goal is to make commitments to what matters to you and manage the conflicting emotions and expectations that arise. It has been said that once you commit, things happen that you wouldn't believe possible. I know this is true, and I invite you to experience it. December, 2008. Rumi Wisdom: Family and Friends First Act with passion. I love to romp around, chase squirrels, play with pups in the park, chew on my bones, nestle in bed, and jump on Skylar, and you can be sure that I am committed to my family and friends. Skylar, my step brother, a handsome Golden Retriever, is my number one playmate; he is the best at tug-of-war and pursuing any live action in the backyard. Molly, my Golden-doodle buddy, and I run through the trees, tumble in the brush and jump in the stream together every chance we get. And then there is my Mom and all her friends: they all pick me up too often and I love them. Mom feeds me, goes on long walks everyday, gives me yummy treats, scratches my tummy, cuddles on the couch and plays spoon with me in bed! I am a pack animal and I have the best pack of buddies - I am committed and follow through! Self Care in Troubled Times In the early 1,200s, Jelaluddin Rumi wrote the following: "Every opposite is made evident by its opposite; honey is perceived as sweet in contrast with vinegar." Rumi, the wise puppy expresses it this way: Rumi knows it's important and natural to take care of himself.
When you feel concerned or anxious, the best answer to finding peace, joy and love can be found inside you. You can consult with or get inspired by others, and your own inner voice is the source of all answers. It is available in every moment. November, 2008. Why Get A Coach. Get Connected A coach can help you see new perspectives, keep you focused on your goals, motivate you to explore new ways of acting, make observations, give feedback and articulate consequences you may not see and hold you accountable to follow through on what you want and reinforce the new behaviors that are serving you well. If you are not satisfied with your work, feeling like you would benefit by making changing in your life or work, it's the right time to engage in a coaching partnership. November, 2008. Connection - My Guiding Value "Only connect!" Imagine a young woman in her twenties who trains as a nurse, but realizes that nursing isn't her true calling. That was me and it's the first snapshot in this story: training complete, a profession left in the dust, and me out of work. Needing a job, I take a marketing position in a medical company on Long Island. At that time in my life I would describe myself, like most young adults, as prone to act first and think later. I took aim at my goal of imagined success without steadying myself, or even really knowing what I wanted. If you had questioned me then, I would have been hard put to tell you what I really valued or what would give me a sense that I was making a contribution. In snapshot #2 I soon begin to feel like a fish out of water in this company. Despite enjoying some aspects of the job, I'm a single person in an office of married people. The job is 9-5 - working in a cubicle - and I soon discover I crave flexibility, variety and autonomy. I feel confined and unable to connect with the other staff. My dissatisfaction index steadily rises. In snapshot #3 I receive another job offer, this time in Chicago which is a city I love. I am excited to leave my ill-suited job, so once again in my youthful impetuosity I fail to notice the red flags: flexibility - great! too much time spent on the road - not so great. Additional responsibility - great! detailed proposal writing - not so great. I begin to push through every day and work becomes a chore. I feel disillusioned in myself and in the company. Only after these two misadventures do I begin to reflect on the source of my disappointment, and what is important to me. This is not a story about failure although it certainly tells of my stumbles along the way. Rather it can be looked on as a fable about how we learn from our mistakes. Outside the Viewfinder At this time in my life, I didn't have the experience to consider fundamentals like organizational culture and values, life-style issues (such as travel) and so on. Neither did I have a trusted mentor or coach to guide me, which today we recognize as well-nigh essential. However, something was missing that was even more important. My problem was that I was not connected to myself enough to know what was truly important to me. I only recognized with hindsight, what nourishes me versus what drains me. I didn't even realize that I needed help. What I came to realize, and what I offer to you, is the absolute necessity to connect with yourself as a first step to anything. Had I been able to do so, I might have seen the pitfalls earlier on and saved myself some heart-ache. In Focus at Last Establishing this connection with myself didn't happen overnight, indeed it's a life-long journey. Extraordinary teachers and mentors have found me as they often do when life learning is taking place. I speak today from my personal experience, not just theory. I know first hand about the possibilities that open up when I act from a place of authenticity versus the heartache when I do not. I know how freeing it is to let go of blame and grab hold of self-responsibility. It is my pleasure, and my offer to share this knowledge and experience with you. Ask Yourself · Do I have a sense of my purpose as a human being and how my purpose is at work in the world? I look forward to joining you in this adventure of discovery. Let's connect soon. November, 2008. Introduction to InVisioner This is the premier issue of InVisioner, our quarterly newsletter. We will attempt to shine a light on how the world around us and the world within us are affected and effected by one another. You can also expect some down to earth insight and levity from Rumi, a wise soul with four legs. No one needs to pronounce that we are in turbulent and insecure times. Whether the subject at hand is politics, economics, or the environment. Sadly it is a time of polarization, standing on individual soap boxes and proselytizing "the right" answers. President Bush said after 9/11 that we must "uphold the American values." I wonder exactly which values he meant. Our society's foundation is built on values of winning and materialistic greed. I know these are values we have all bought in, to one extent or another; and of course economic security is important to each of us. Winning and greed are not values that are bringing us what we really want such as: connection, vitality, joy, satisfaction, contribution, peace. These intangibles are our heart's desire. So, I ask in these times - whether you are at work, at home, or in social situations, instead of gathering like-minded people and getting exasperated with what others are choosing to believe - try another tactic! ASK: What can you do to be curious about other's opinions? How can you expand your thinking by listening rather than talking or emailing? How can you be more inclusive rather than dissing another? We will be stronger when we choose to move away from power-over to power-with. I believe we all want a better world, no matter what our beliefs and persuasions. We want ease, happiness and peace. We won't realize our dream for a different future if we keep acting the same way. |
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In troubled times, spend your resources on sustaining your vitality, doing whatever most helps you to feel centered, strong and capable. Keep connected with those who support you, enliven you and soothe you. We can't take care of others until we care for ourselves. "Put the oxygen mask on yourself first!"